beer for sex

Tonight I met a woman who I desperately wanted to bed. She essayed to meet me at a bar for some drinks, and to see where the evening would lead. After my arrival at her local watering hole, she confessed that she could only get off on good beer, or should I say "good" beer? I laughed in her face. Even though she was the hottest woman I had ever laid eyes on, I absolutely could not share a bed with someone so base as to drink beer; a drink for scoundrels and pedophiles, beer is aught but bilge water.

new discovery

New research indicates that the Celts first made distilled beverages after realizing that beer sucked so bad they had to transform it into something more useful. Celtic people have long been known as great travellers, and indeed after many trips into wine-producing parts of the world, they grew increasingly despondent over the lousy character of their indigenous malted beverages, that they borrowed distillation from the Moors in order to salvage the vast quantities of sewer water many know as beer.

Beer is water and pee

Let's face it, beer is far from being what we in the wine world call a "complex" beverage. Further analysis reveals it to be little more than water and moldy bread. I suppose it took a real genius to invent that beverage. Truly a sublime drink of the gods. On the other hand, enemies of wine say ridiculous things like wine is merely grape juice sprinkled with homo-erotic bullshit. Well I don't know about you, but that sounds far more intriguing than a slice of wonder bread that somebody urinated upon (beer).

Furthermore, it takes lots of time, patience, skill, wisdom, and even more money to produce wine, while beer is only the product of an over-active bladder and any food the cows and pigs wouldn't eat. Any knave bold enough to suggest that beer has a place on the same table as wine should be soundly flogged and stretched upon the rack.

Shortly thereafter

I drove into a crowd of people; spreading mirth and propaganda pamphlets. Few were hurt, and the rest - sufficiently curious by now - called the number on the back of the pamphlet. My customer base grows exponentially. My fees are enormous. My services are priceless. Come to me. I will assign you a new life. And then I will destroy you.

The beginning

I hate everything. You, your stupidity, and infinite combinations thereof. I also hate beer. I am an enemy of beer. I hate all brewers, distributors, retailers, and consumers. However, I am quite fond of sausages and wine. That is the mystery of the LORD's ways - he invented gravity and then hated me for discovering the laws governing it. I also hate Ben Franklin. He was a liar. GOD did not make anything for you, and your happiness is the last thing on his or my mind.